Good afternoon my friends!

So, after I published my first post, my life got too busy. I wanted to do a post about the Eclipse, so I’ll summarize that first.

The word “Eclipse”, as a verb, means (of a celestial body) obscure the light from or to (another celestial body). I’ve been in the habit of searching up the definitions of words, since often times we use words that we couldn’t even tell a child the meaning of. The Eclipse on April 8th was truly spectacular- my college campus had a great location, almost at totality. It was so heartwarming to see thousands of students in our quad, giggling with our friends every time we took the glasses off too quickly. Community at its finest! I was totally enchanted, and chilly, because it got significantly colder as the moon covered up our sun!

Did you know that many eclipses only occur over Earth’s bodies of water, which cover 71% of our planet, making it even more unlikely to witness one? This event made me so aware of where I was in relation to the universe and how human we were. And the photographers made me emotional because they were recording history, and I held my friend’s hand and tried to memorize the whole moment. By the time the next total Eclipse happens, I will probably be 42 years old. Probably, because there’s no guarantee that I’ll make it, besides my deep desire to live. So, 42 years old. What could that possibly look like for me? I guess we will see!

Now, onto motherhood. If you haven’t already heard the name Audre Lord, please go look her up. Black lesbian feminist writer. So you bet she’s got something to say! Oppressed on so many fucking sides. I read once that we only know the limits of our society by the accounts of those who do not, cannot, and will not want to belong in the sphere of rules of life outlined in society. Just had to shout my girl out real quick, if you haven’t heard of her yet. But the ideas I’m about to delve into about mother gifts come from my jaw hanging open for days after reading “the Mask of Motherhood” by Susan Maushart in my Gender and Communications class. I HIGHLYY recommend you look this book up!

The Mask of Motherhood basically goes to say that mothers are forced to don a mask- hiding all the painful truths that accompany such a radical shift in identity when becoming a mother. One day you are a girl, and the world treats you differently than boys. Then you begin dating and working and realize that the sexism in society runs deeper than you ever knew- but try to argue with a man about it, and he’ll likely tell you (very righteously) that women have equal access to the steps which lead to success. That is just not true. Circling back to motherhood specifically, I’d like you to open up 2 new tabs and google “How to be a good mother” and “How to be a good father”, then come tell me your findings. See?

Mothers don a mask of self-protection, of juggling it all “just fine” because they have consistently been LIED TO about the facts of motherhood. How you can lose your mind, fall into a state of psychosis after giving birth. How a sleep deprived you feels like a monster, with horrific images of doing ANYTHING to just get away from the screaming baby and just SLEEP. But we don’t like this version of motherhood, the one where raising new life, with little to no support, makes you go fucking insane. So not only are mothers given the hardest jobs in the world, but they also have to pretend it’s not that bad, to keep the myth of the all-loving mother alive. Any other truthful accounts terrify people. They don’t want to hear it- especially not the men who are voting in policies, squashing our rights to regulate our own child-bearing bodies. After being sexualized all their lives, once you become a “good mother”, you can no longer be sexy. You can be beautiful, sure, that’s encouraged, but outwardly you cannot ever express your sexuality without judgement. If a woman is judged for every move she makes, a mother is judged even for her inside thoughts. So, she bottles them up, and just tries to manage. Manage the childcare, manage her job, manage the home, manage the cooking and cleaning, manage her presentation, manage her guests, manage the appointments and manage her nagging husband who’s been begging for sex while she was busy keeping their family alive. Hey, pro tip- if you want to have sex, maybe take care of your partner. You’d be surprised at how attractive caring actions are.

Now onto the idiot gift givers. Pay attention VERY closely. Your mother does NOT want a gift that has MOM written on it. I’m talking a fucking mug with Best Mom Ever written on it. Are you in third grade? Because that is the last time that would be acceptable. Think of your mother as the girl she once was before the nurse laid you in her arms. Think of the joy she spent with her friends, and the dreams that she had. She is still capable of all of them, you know, but the world makes it damn hard for her. Your mother has held dreams far beyond what she has shared with you, her ultimate responsibility, her ultimate life task. She will receive a grade on her mothering from every stranger she meets, no matter how brief the interaction. Everyone wants to tell mothers what to do. Your mother has never forgot, not for a second, that she is a mother. Not for one second. So why is it appropriate to shop Instagram ads, stupid fucking art pieces that show a picture of the moon on the day she became your mother? On YOUR birthday and her death day, as she raised you and mourned the life she used to have. It may have been a great day for her, happy to meet you, but I promise that what followed was fucking excruciating …. your story post thanking her, which she won’t see because she doesn’t use Instagram, is not enough. You are performing appreciation instead of giving it.

My main point is give your mother the gift of trying to understand her wholeness before you came along, changing her forever. Instead of generic gifts that do nothing but affirm her identity as a mother, please give her something thoughtful. What are her hobbies? I always tell people that experiences matter far more than a physical gift. Sure, a printed-out coupon for a massage doesn’t feel as satisfying as giving some physical object wrapped up all pretty- but she will enjoy the experience and appreciate the message that you’re really conveying- that you know she works hard and deserves care that doesn’t come from her own hands.

DO gift experiences. DON’T gift her generic “gifts” re: clutter. DO flowers, always. DON’T post about her on a platform she won’t see. DO call her.

That’s all from me for now! I have been super busy as I’m graduating college in less than a month. I have no clue what’s to come, but hopefully it includes a stimulating new job with a chance to do what I love- write and talk with others!

This post was born from the classic advice to follow what makes you mad. I got VERY mad at this Ad for this gift. I think that it’s an example of careless gift giving, mothers rightfully expect real appreciation on Mother’s Day but instead have to perform their appreciation to you trying to be appreciative… and missing the mark. $35 for that is crazyyyyy

TTYL!